Hey please nothing to do with my state of mind. I am just naturally fond of songs like this.
And I am rather amused about what people have been talking about these days (random, baseless, nonsensical rumours and teases that if Grace is around I think she will kill all of us)... Though, while being very open about my past, present, life philosophies and bottom line such that people do not find me interesting at all (this is my strategy of keeping myself rumour-free - and I don't just say those 曖昧 'NOOOO-es' to rumours about myself that came to me - I WARN those people about consequences :P), I managed to guard other people's history pretty well. I am rather proud of myself :)
Wow the last time I actually wrote something here was 8 March :P
Anyway, I must thank all my friends in Madison who gave me a really wonderful time! I did not want to leave...
It is a really warm feeling to know that friends are genuinely happy that I am there, and that they are pouring all their hospitality on me - I can really feel it! :) Thank you so much!
Before Madison I was doing HCF's spring break urban plunge in SW Baltimore. I did the same thing last year - last year it wasn't a stay-over programme, and we were at each site only in passing, but indeed it was a great learning experience and more importantly my first step in being an active Christian - a step that I want to make but had never known how to make.
This year I was helping to plan it and led some of the discussions. It had not failed to be inspiring, and had made me realise the main shortcomings that I have hindering me in putting my words into action. Also - I mean, two years ago, I would not have imagined myself doing these stuff that I am doing today; it is the Spirit at work, it is the grace of God - through the HCF people and Grace, who decided to make the 'serious and intellectual' xiaoyang (this is not I say one okay) the target of her invitations without even knowing what I have been up to on my own.
What I was obsessed about two years ago was basically condensed in a question that Songyu and Gerald asked me on the car yesterday. I have told my story quite a couple of times - I actually didn't realise that Songyu has never heard it before. I cannot publish the whole thing here, but the abridged form is simply - I have realised that what happened and what I hoped for in 2006 - 2007 was not built on the right foundation. We were very different in terms of values and world-view and I didn't realise that - which I finally did, and I am glad that I did. I do not know if she had ever liked me before but it is now inconsequential.
(Actually one more thing that I didn't realise was - how widely spread was the impression at that time. I only realised that recently when Kenneth, wz etc. all came to ask me about it separately and I was forced to ask them - where did they get the impression from...?! I will not deny anything, because it happened - if I cannot even be honest to myself, how can I convince others to trust me?)
Luke 6:46-49 -
"Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete."
Jesus wants us to actively build our foundations on him, not on our own hopes and ambitions. Extend the 'Stardust' metaphor that I used to tell and still hold on to, and you will know what my attitude of life is...
The most interesting comment that I have gotten for the previous post was from tk.
He said that I sound 'permanently scarred'.
Woah lao. Not so serious la.
If I am permanently scarred,
1) I won't talk about it openly 2) Whenever you people mention it I will confirm flare up 3) There won't be any lesson learned, I will just continue to hate that person 4) I won't even move on with life and hope for anything.
The fact is,
1) I am talking about it openly now 2) You want to say it say lor, I don't care - I might even join in the discussion 3) I learnt something I think? And I don't hate her that is for sure 4) Am I not moving on with life?! Ask me and find out for yourself.
It just isn't very smart to, when everything is over, press reset and then make the same stupid mistake and wrongful assumptions again. That would indeed be not moving on with life...
And why people always say that I am emo... Wishing for someone who cares for me and loves me means that I am emo meh? Aiyo. It's just like, even if you don't want to study it doesn't mean you don't hope for an A in the exam...
Please hor. Don't need to introduce any girl to me. And please don't think too much - thanks a lot. __________________________________________________ Since I got back from Cambridge I have always wondered how does our East Baltimore Campus compare to the size of Cambridge's City Centre.
Today I finally took 5 minutes to do the measurements on Google Earth - and I think our hospital campus is at least 30% the size of Cambridge's town centre.
I measured the walking distance between the two labs that I currently shuttle between. It takes me 10 minutes to navigate the maze of tunnels and bridges, but if I do not use the tunnels (which provide warmth and a shorter route), the distance between the two labs is 0.54 miles. That basically spans the whole campus diagonally.
That is the distance between University Arms Hotel at the southwestern corner of Parker's Piece to the Round Church at the junction of Bridge Street and St. John's Street. That is pretty much 80% of a side of a crudely drawn rectangle that marks most of town centre - if you define the span of town centre along that stretch of streets to be from Lensfield Road along Regent Street etc. to Quayside.
Erm. It is THAT far. A post-doc in my lab has suggested that I should get a bike :P
Between the last post and this Sushi and me had visited Marseilles, eaten traditional bouillabaisse (which cost me a bomb), swum in the Mediterranean, eaten lunch/dinner with 3 different groups of relatives, eaten A LOT of good HK food...
As usual jeering is a major component of our communication. Now she will never forget what '鳳爪排骨牛百葉奶皇包' means :D
We talked a lot. About life, future, work, relationships, friends, parents, relatives...
Our busy schedules will commence soon - we won't see each other until next July. This year, all members of my family met each other one way or another, but we were never all together at the same place at the same time. That will only happen next July.
We are very close to one another as a family. It is difficult to get used to the fact that we will not be always together like we used to be. That makes it even more heartening when, as we get together again after a long time, we can still be what we used to be even though we might not have time to talk or MSN each other during term time.
Like Kenneth said, these are things that we should treasure and not take for granted.
Sushi and I are entirely different; we do not react to similar situations in the same way. I think we do nicely complement each other though, such that although I might not be happy with the way she does things and vice versa it never bothers me because in a way she always have good suggestions for me (and I hope the adverse is true too).
She always claims that someone like her is getting harder and harder to find. It is true that I have not met someone like her yet - it is even harder to make her annoyed at someone than to make me annoyed at someone, she very easily senses how you feel towards something and because of that very accommodating, can be both crazy and childish (i.e. enjoys things ranging from long hikes as well as Disneyland), and at the same time logical, passionate about what she is doing, and the thing that I am the most happy about, independent.
Because of my own limitations I probably won't know her as well as she knows me. Well, like we both know, to some people things that I like about her might probably make them upset one way or another.
Haha if you have not realised, I hope to find someone like her or better. She says she wants to find someone like me or better too, and - this is part of a private joke - she is 'almost there'. Best wishes - LOL!
'Pretend' nothing happened when something actually has, 'pretend' everything is okay when it isn't, 'pretend' that you have no special feelings for someone when you actually have...
Why do we have to 'pretend'? According to what I understand, we pretend because we have to protect someone, not hurt someone, or to avoid embarassment.
Sometimes, we pretend because we do not have the courage to face the truth - pretending is a way of evading, escaping.
I have been using this tactic for the past year to attempt to convince myself to bring something about myself back to normal, and I have actually almost completely succeeded - it's just that it has never been an official closure.
I really admire sushi - she doesn't even attempt to pretend.
When would I ever have the courage to write what she has written in this space, where I know everyone, and not only people who can understand a specific dialect of the Chinese language, can read?
This is what I wrote, in an almost satirical tone, about me, as an answer to someone's question:
I wrote the answer first, prompted by the guy who asked the question, and then I went to talk to sushi about it, which made her write that post, and when I read hers I feel obliged to write this too.
I will continue to not care unless she has something to say to me about the issue, which is the key to an official closure, but I am fine without - I've long ago accepted that.
I still have to pray harder for strength and guidance!
P.S. - I'll talk about how I became more and more religious as I lived my life in the US in a later post. Now, with 2 midterms looming in 2 days' time, I should try my best to do well first :P
Moral of the story: If you want to find a girlfriend, you don't have to do anything. Just do whatever you want to do without that aim in mind, and you'll get it. More Chinese wisdom:
有心栽花花不發, 無心插柳柳成蔭
It has to have some elements of truth for this phrase to last hundreds of years...
Haha still staring at it? Get back to work! Or go to sleep!
Answer: Yes, unless you have some unknown-to-me neurological defect. Ask your doctor.
2. Then why is it that some people just seem so heartless?
Answer: That is because they either have the neurological defect or they have not found someone to love.
3. Does love need to be nurtured?
Answer: Yes and no. Capability to love is innate, but how people present their love and how they identify targets to love depend tremendously on what they were taught - i.e. their value systems.
4. What is your definition of love?
Answer: My definition of love is simple. Love = 'a quality that prompts you to sacrifice yourself for the other party unconditionally'. This is a moral bottomline and is non-negotiable.
Answer: Depends. It is not necessarily about presents or 'I love you' or whatnot - and it really depends. A very hard question to answer - because most probably I won't know I am doing it when I am doing it. If you think I am, then I am; if you think I am not, then I am not. Fair?
7. Any final comments?
Answer: Love must be mutual for any relationship to work out - not restricted to that between a guy and a girl. If you have the tendency to love someone without the other person loving you, then you are destined to be a super card collector (see 好人卡). If you have the tendency to not love someone despite the other loving you, you are not only a super card giver (if you are a popular girl) but you are also destined to cause distress (when the other party is your mum).
Sigh what we learnt from our parents made us destined to be taken advantage of - because they are being taken advantage of all the time. We can't stand things that are not done properly, and we will really go and do it - I have been doing this in the army and I am still doing this now, from clearing rubbish/cleaning toilet to doing weekend duties/preparing reagents etc...
I generally don't feel that I am being taken for granted because I willingly do it. Some people think that I am - e.g. my mother - but I just shrug it off...
Now as I see that she is being brutally taken for granted I understand how she feels. I am really pretty upset - though what can I do about it? She loves her sister, and we love our aunt - and for that we have to make some sacrifice right? I know that my mum won't be happy if we force her to go back to Singapore, and that will compromise our aunt...
She had been calling me quite frequently for the past 2 weeks; it had been tiring and emotionally draining for her. I listened, and tried to tell her things that I think is right... it works most of the time because her values are mine. Sushi has been under a lot of stress also; she is having midterms after midterms and yet she had to make sure that mum is okay and help her out when needed... She has been doing a great job really - thank you so much.
Sushi didn't understand some stuff and that prompted me to write this. Yeah, some people may think that we are troublesome, crazy, stupid, overly cautious, asking for trouble... though the most important thing is, we know that we are doing the right thing. We have to be able to stand by ourselves before we can stand up in front of others.
Everyone can love - it's just harder for some people. You will see... eventually...
AH BENG: Eh, don’t be like that lah. You also must understand your girlfriend. Everyday never see you, she also can get fed-up. Keeping girlfriend not easy, you know. Like people make fried rice. Must put the char siew, the onion, the egg, all mix properly. Fire cannot too hot, and must all the time fry (:D). If not, romance sure get burnt. Chao ta. -- Michael Chiang, Army Daze pp. 78
Bundle this together because it's of the same theme:
Haha that's why people call me 'the love guru'. Freaking a lot of theories but no result. Hopefully I have more luck with my experiments... Going to do Western blot on tissues. Hmmms.
Love, love changes everything Hands and faces, earth and sky Love, love changes everything How you live and how you die Love can make the summer fly Or a night seem like a lifetime Yes love, love changes everything Now I tremble at your name Nothing in the world will ever be the same
Love, love changes everything Days are longer, words mean more Love, love changes everything Pain is deeper than before Love will turn your world around And that world will last forever Yes love, love changes everything Brings you glory, brings you shame Nothing in the world will ever be the same
Off into the world we go Planning futures, shaping years Love comes in and suddenly all our wisdom disappears Love makes fools of everyone All the rules we made are broken Yes love, love changes everyone Live or perish in its flame Love will never never let you be the same Love will never never let you be the same
Hahahahaha no matter how cool you think you are you will still do stupid idiotic senseless things despite your cool friends' cool advice (e.g. wanting to beat someone up for no apparent reason, etc. :D). If you friends are intrinsic morons then you're definitely screwed because no one will be able to tell you that you're being a moron too.
Basically even if you died once you'll still die again -because every single case is a unique case, and you'll once again turn into an idiot. There is nothing you can do about it. If you can still think straight then well nice you have successfully transformed yourself into superman.
It is useless acting cool. You can look and sound extremely cool and pretend to be absolutely sensible, but you know best that you are actually not - because nothing is under your control, you know nothing, and all you can do is pray to God that things turn your way. I am sure you won't want to beat someone up if you are absolute sensible.
How to be cool like that? It's like, how to be cool when you know that there is an exam coming up and you have absolutely no idea what the professor is going to put in your test? You can be cool only if the results absolutely doesn't matter, or you are completely sure that the results you want will realise.
So a suggestion to my friends who actually bother to read my blog. If you know some idiot likes you but too bad you can't reciprocate, you have 2 choices:
1. If you are a nice person, bring him/her back to his/her senses with the most direct way as soon as possible. It saves you and the idiot time, energy and resources, and if that person refuses to continue to be friends with you then so be it. In the end he/she will still thank you for it. It's a good deed.
2. If you are an evil person, play the person a bit. Send out messages that are ambiguous and retain hope in him/her. It will be great fun when you tell your friends about your observations and results - though this absolutely violates my ethical code - unless that person seriously deserves it.
I don't have a chance to choose between 1 and 2 yet. Hahaha my sister has done it quite a few times already though. She is quite smart when it comes to these things :D
Notice I didn't mention choice 1.5: sometimes people don't mean to choose 2 but they somehow do things similar to 2 less the great fun part. 1.5 is as harmful to the idiot as 2; it is just more forgiveable. If you are the 1.5 kind, talk to my sister. She will teach you how to execute choice 1. Works for both genders.
So please. If you (or someone you know) have to do this to me please choose 1. I promise I won't hate you - I will really hate you if you choose 2 and I find out somehow eventually. And don't you dare 1.5 me. Choose 1. Please.
Had an extremely amusing conversation with Tk yesterday. Anyway, I prefer these kinds of poems... They are very commonly known, not original, but are certainly nice... (and certainly they do not contain any eyes.)
(The links will bring you to sites that help explain the poems.) (And since even GCS tells me that he doesn't understand the Chinese that I post here, I have decided to translate whatever I can... It is really sad that someone who can write so well in Chinese in secondary school have to ask me to explain stuff to him and help him do translation now...)
(Literal Translation: If one has experienced the ocean, it will be difficult to like any other forms of water; if one has seen clouds from Wu Shan, no other forms of clouds will please him. I am too lazy and unwilling to look around even when I am amidst a flower garden; that is partially because I am cleansing my soul and partially because of you.)
(Happy? :D)
Classical Chinese poems are better than contemporary ones in terms of subtlety and meaning, and often more intense in terms of feeling. Read all the 李清照 ones; those are really to the extreme. For contemporary Chinese poems only very talented people can produce good ones. For example:
再別康橋 徐志摩 (I have posted this before (not full text); follow the link above for full text and an English translation, which is a rather good one.)
Was in Chicago over the weekend for Citylights. It was an interesting weekend: almost died laughing at Hossen Leong's jokes and his legendary Sang Nila Utama song, got stuck in Midway Airport for 4 hours because of legendary American midwest snowstorms (though got back $100 travel voucher for that and my delayed + almost misplaced checked bag :D), had an eye-opening experience regarding the potential of *amusing acts* overseas Singaporeans can be up to, and realised how atypically nerdy JHU Singaporeans are. And got back (free) chilli sauce and fried rice sauce from Yeos.
Haha well, I don't deny that I am a nerd. I don't get drunk; I don't flirt with girls; I don't force people to dance with me (which I cannot do at all anyway) and because of that instigated *hatred* in someone else unknowingly.
In fact I really dislike every one of the above three. I rather spend time writing nonsense here, writing nonsense to newspapers and writing nonsense to journals than to do all those.
I know I sound really condescending but I still have to say this. If you want people to respect you, you must respect yourself. Mutual respect is the basis of all forms of relationship! I rather be over-cautious than to be over-casual.
And it is very interesting to note that it is considered INAPPROPRIATE to just stand around and watch people getting drunk and flirt with girls without joining in. Why would that be the case? Simple logic, but I think I should save the answer. Oh well.
One more thing: How very true: Love changes everything (Sarah Brightman). And how potentially it can whack a person lateral medial cranial caudal dorsal ventral. You choose to live or perish in its flame: just try your best not to choose the road to condemnation. Yet again, that is subjective. Well, argh, just don't do it.
And moral of the story: Don't speak against your heart. Let down guard, be open about it, let the other party involved to be the FIRST one to know about it, and then go whichever direction both of you deem fit. A lie is needed to cover another, and it will accumulate so much such that in order to break the chain the stake would be too high for you to bear. In the end, you can't even be friends, cannot act when you need to, and you will feel like beating up people. Most importantly, problem for yourself comes when UNRELATED people (i.e. a mob, etc,; brother sister good friends not counted) are involved before anything conclusive firmly establishes; you will have MUCH LESS room for yourself. Never let that happen.
Might not be the best solution, might still have a lot of weird unpredictable consequences, but oh well, can anyone think of anything better?!
Anyways, was working on my anthropology paper. Title: Do you think that culture shapes emotions such as love?
My whole brain is filled with all kinds of weird theories because of this. Tried my best to put everything together; should be pretty successful though.
And people ask me what 'love just is' mean. Well, it's from here:
There's a song in Hindi ... [Love is not created, love just is.] ... Love can't be created, ... [I]t happens by itself ... Now, really, that's how it happened with me.
Laura M. Ahearn: Invitation to Love: Literacy, Love Letters and Social Change in Nepal, Ch. 7, pp.150
