Hey please nothing to do with my state of mind. I am just naturally fond of songs like this.
And I am rather amused about what people have been talking about these days (random, baseless, nonsensical rumours and teases that if Grace is around I think she will kill all of us)... Though, while being very open about my past, present, life philosophies and bottom line such that people do not find me interesting at all (this is my strategy of keeping myself rumour-free - and I don't just say those 曖昧 'NOOOO-es' to rumours about myself that came to me - I WARN those people about consequences :P), I managed to guard other people's history pretty well. I am rather proud of myself :)
I spent the whole day sorting out stuff in my room today - what to pack home and what to throw, give out and sell. Basically I can afford to fill up 3 bags and that is it.
Dug out some stuff that I still kept with me -
This is a poster that each of us made on the last day of OBS - basically, you write stuff on it and let others write on it too.
I digitised it and ditched it - I can't possibly keep everything can I.
This is the first pair of boarding passes that brought me to the USA. I have no idea why I still have them - I thought I started collecting boarding passes only when I got my new passport wallet. Anyway they are staying happily with their friends now...
What interesting change. I used to think - SQ is a must for long-haul. Now - that is just stupidity... Unless SQ has a competitive price and gives me miles, I will not buy their tickets. I have learnt to realise that paying less money and collecting those miles so that I can go for more trips more cheaply is a way better idea compared to paying for more and get no miles for 3 better meals (you probably don't know what you are eating anyway). I don't get more legroom; and for entertainment system - CX, VS, NH, KE - even DL - has comparable systems...
I definitely changed also in terms of what I am concerned about. The reflection that I wrote on another piece of OBS material after the whole thing has something like 'I know it will be hard for me to find a partner...' Now - since I have already left it to God, what is there for me to worry about? That doesn't occupy my life that much anymore - there are more interesting things to focus on...
But I do still kaypoh about other people's lives. Heh.
Ah. I still feel kind of regretful about the kind of crap life I have when I was a freshman. I don't even want to classify that as 'memories' because it is not pleasant. Too many 'I should have done this and not this...' kind of stuff. Well, it is not too late to realise that is truly not what I want...
It wasn't too long ago when it is still a must for me to 'listen to my parents'. Now:
At BWI airport. Chinese take-out stall.
Dad: Give me the Shanghai Lo Mein lah! Server: ??? Dad: (Looks at me intently) HUH? Me: He wants Shanghai Lo Mein for here. Server: Chicken or pork? Dad: (Looks at me intently) HUH? Me: 你要雞定係豬肉呀? Dad: 雞啦! Me: Chicken. (Abridged...)
(Er - I thought he can use English pretty well. Until that day...)
Some time during the trip.
(For simplicity translated into English.) Me: Let me know what do you guys want to see! (I feel bad always dragging them around and not asking for opinion.) Mum: Go ahead and see what you want to see - we will just follow. We will be happy as long as we see you and we don't care what else we see.
(Like that also can - I am not surprised if they completely have no idea where they will be 12 hours later at any moment, despite I have already sent them the itinerary well in advance...)
A couple of days later I talked to my sister - she was telling me that they are like that even in Hong Kong. My sister has always been in charge of ordering food when they visit...! It is not only because they are not used to the American way of doing things...!
In some sense they are becoming less and less independent and confident - especially my dad. You should see how uptight he was on the day when they were supposed to go to Vancouver on their own because my flight to Baltimore was a couple of hours earlier. 22 years ago my mum survived for a couple of weeks with me in America with rather bad English, just like how I survived France and Peru and Germany now - and now they needed me to feel secure in a place they have visited so many times before.
不想長大? 要不想都不行. Reality speaks itself - unless all these is just a dream.
Although it is exam period, I am going out more often than non-exam period.
Honestly, I do not care much about exams already. I only study when I want to, and I don't feel any sense of urgency at all. Well, the only things that stand between me and my diploma are TWO exams. TWO.
In 20 minutes I will be going out for some free awesome Chinese dinner in a new awesome Chinese dimsum restaurant that opened about two months ago. And 2 hours ago I just came back from lunch at Jong Kak.
Well - this is my graduation week! Nothing is going to stop me from having fun. I am not going to see some of my friends regularly ever again - who can stop me from hanging out with them?
Work-wise, I should be able to write up my results for publication soon. I should also be presenting in June - that would be an awesome chance for me to consolidate my data, and set out my paper's layout.
I am also reading up some bits of my next PI's work on myostatin, sarcopenia and cachexia. I have a friend here who is interested in the topic as well, and she is considering that possibility as her PhD thesis project under pathobiology. I know there is a non-pathology Hopkins lab (I think those people should be from cell biology or molecular genetics) working on that - I will first ask my next PI about that first - and let's see what opportunities can there be.
And I hope that I will be working on something that will link me to doctors! I want to find out how pathology in Singapore is like, and I want to know what Singapore already has in terms of physician - scientist collaborations.
Okay time to go. By the way, very inspired by these people from Hong Kong - these are the crazy hikers (I don't think you can even call them hikers). Check out their photos! HK has everything - and is beautiful!
When I go back 2 months later, let's see what this advice will become.
Issued by Singapore's MOH:
For travellers who are returning from other areas with evidence of community transmission of Influenza A (H1N1-2009) (i.e., the states of California, New York and Texas in the United States, and the state of Nova Scotia in Canada), MOH advises them to stay at home for seven days, monitor their temperature daily and check themselves for symptoms of flu-like illness. They should refrain from joining mass gatherings, e.g., going to the cinemas, shopping malls, supermarkets, etc. Those who develop respiratory illness with fever (temperature > 38 deg C) within seven days after their return should put on a surgical mask and call 993 for an ambulance. They should also disclose their travel histories to their doctors.
Singapore has cancelled all clinical postings for medical students (according to people who are in Hopkins on electives), recalled medical students on exchange overseas - and Hong Kong quarantined one hotel.
Well, I am still walking through the hospital corridors just like everyone else. The cafeteria is selling the usual burgers and smoothies and it is crowded as usual.
Singapore has 0 case. Hong Kong has 1. Maryland has 4. New York has 71.
This is a very interesting contrast - although I completely understand why Hong Kong and Singapore are reacting so strongly. Hong Kong does not want to take any chance - especially after SARS which basically beat them to the ground during those 3 months.
But look at how chill the Americans are. Even if you go onto YouTube to look for advisory videos posted by the CDC, the guy explaining stuff sounds as if he is not interested at all. If you go look at the CDC website, they show you a lot of interesting statistics and advice - but they are presented as if those are information on the negative effects of nicotine.
The general attitude that I sense is: Yeah this is something new and (maybe not so) cool. If I fall sick, I will stay at home. If I cannot breathe, I will call 911. If I don't have to go to school or go to work, I will go somewhere to hang out. Other than that, there is nothing to worry about. Seasonal flu kills more people.
In an amazing way all was settled and sealed within 36 hours. I don't have to worry about it anymore - I don't have to go and find a dealer or a junkyard myself. Everything is done.
Yesterday morning was action-packed. At ~7am the car died in the middle of Martin Luther King and created a small jam when yc was sending his friend to the airport. He called me immediately and I rushed down to MLK with a cab, which his friend took to the airport. I called AAA, paid ~$65 and got a tow-truck to come. I got it towed to the mechanic that I usually go to. He looked at it and said, if I were to fix it, it will cost around $1500.
Wow. Of course I am not going to - and he offered to junk it for me. I gave him my papers. There is some crazy administrative glitch on the car (maybe the glitch was around when GCS had the car already, I would never have known): the VIN on the title and the VIN on the car don't match (the car information that GCS gave me was completely wrong anyway: the car was a 1993 Mitsubishi (not 1990) - that is a side issue). I tried to ask him for some money but the glitch put me in a very weak position. So anyway, he still offered to junk it for me, but I didn't get back anything. That is actually still awesome - if he refuses to take the car, I wouldn't know what to do really.
Today I went to the MVA (completely by MTA okay - I didn't know that is even doable until today) to return the tags and called to cancel my insurance. Progressive is going to return me ~$93 because my insurance is pro-rated. That is awesome.
So now I am back to a life without a car - and I really must thank God for forcing me to solve this problem now and making everything so smooth for me. When I still have the car, I have always been pondering when should I go to the MVA to solve the admin problem (because in order to transfer the title - especially to a dealership or anyone that I do not know - they will want perfect documentation) and to where should I bring the car to - and I really do not have time to do all these. I have already made it clear to my friends that I will not sell it to them - only 1 person has said that he might want it actually but I have told him that anyway - because it is really going to become a liability pretty soon. In addition, the car couldn't pass emissions inspection - and the amount of money needed to fix that is at the $300 - $400 range - and that needs to be addressed before registration expires in September. I absolutely do not want to do that, and I have not attempted to.
Haha so mum/dad, sorry hor. No more car already. Take train and bus with me :D
I just submitted a paper, went for a small test and a big test today.
And I had a total of 60 hours to prepare for everything, and it is not like I could have used every minute of that 60 hours. At most, I would think, I used 50% of that 60 hours only.
Consequences = no time to prepare anything well. I spent the most time on the paper, working till around 6am Sunday morning, and then studied through Sunday night for the two tests.
Cannot la. I don't know why they love asking for so much detail about dendritic cells - it wasn't anywhere in my notes. I saw that coming, and yet I don't have time or energy to go figure it out. There are also stuff that I stupidly omitted like not putting 'CD80/86 receptor' as the function of CD28 while merely saying it is a T-cell second signal receptor.
Okay, consolation is - even if I get an average B+ for this semester (i.e. ALL my graded classes B+ or getting a B- for immunobiology or something), my GPA will still be above 3.85. NOT SCARED. ___________________________________________________ ein Gedicht von Martin Niemöller.
Als die Nazis die Kommunisten holten, habe ich geschwiegen; ich war ja kein Kommunist.
Als sie die Sozialdemokraten einsperrten, habe ich geschwiegen; ich war ja kein Sozialdemokrat.
Als sie die Gewerkschafter holten, habe ich nicht protestiert; ich war ja kein Gewerkschafter.
Als sie die Juden holten, habe ich geschwiegen; ich war ja kein Jude.
Als sie mich holten, gab es keinen mehr, der protestieren konnte.
Makansutra came to Baltimore on Thursday and Friday.
Joseph, Grace and me went to meet Kf Seetoh. We went to Obryski’s – he was amazed by the crab cake (but he didn’t like the soup). The next day Joseph brought him to Faidleys – he loved that one even more.
After dinner on Thursday Joseph sent Seetoh back to his hotel, and before he left, he told us: ‘Lead a good life.’
After he left, Joseph commented: ‘I am pretty sure we all will.’
Then I said, ‘Yeah I hope I will – in Singapore…’
After that the conversation took a nosedive into crap.
Anyway, crap is not the point of my comment.
By going down the path I am intending to go now, I am literally pledging my life to Singapore in addition to my bonds.
I am not unhappy – but I still feel uncertain. It is not that I do not know what I am going to do in the next 5 years. This uncertainty is general. I feel like, by setting my heart on this, I am getting onto a boat with certainty yet sailing into unpredictable territory.
It is like Columbus – when he first sailed from Spain, he knew for sure he wanted to sail that way. However, as the boat left port, he would not have known whether he would return rich, broke or dead.
Other than the relatively obscure future of my industry in Singapore, Singapore is also at the crossroads where it has to somehow change.
How can a country so dependent on its people and talents continue to run with a culture of self-censorship, a media that is losing credibility, high-level officials without a sense of public accountability, an achievement-obsessed environment, and the hypocrisy in ‘national identity’ when people are taught the essence of kiasuism (or more harshly, opportunism) by society and the establishment day after day?
Do we even have a set of core values? Although we do criticise the American dream as hypocrisy, but Americans still do have some groundwork in their country’s core values.
Is there anything we can be proud of regarding our system of government? Our education, our media? Our culture? Probably food, yes.
We doubt our election system, we don’t fully trust our courts of law, we think that our media is government-controlled, we don’t get serious answers for issues we care about, people who advocate the learning of dialects are being called ‘foolish’, and in order to retain talents, the government needs to ‘bond’ them…
Do you think this can continue for another 50 years? Does a country like that sound stable to you in the long run?
I read in today’s newspapers that Taiwan is also looking into developing medical tourism, with their target being the mainland Chinese. They have a significant advantage – a cultural advantage that we do not have because our government has successfully diminished it (ask the hospital doctors to explain things to you in proper Chinese).
We are always facing tough competition, but we are always told that we have advantages over others. It is time to think – what are these advantages actually? If we do not even trust that we have these advantages anymore, we have to do something about it before it is too late.
Honestly, I do not have a lot of faith in Singapore. But I trust God...
I am supposed to meet a friend at 12pm today to pass her something - and I only remembered that appointment when I was showering just now at 12am.
What on earth is wrong with me? Before I left for class I actually set aside those stuff that I was supposed to give her especially so that I can retrieve it easily from my folders. And after immunobiology I just completely forgot about it and headed home and then headed to lab without even realising that I forgot to do something until half an hour ago.
I should start keeping a pocket calender. This is a warning sign - I should seriously start organising my time properly. When more and more things are going on, it is only a matter of time when I will forget to go for an appointment that will completely screw me up if I miss it.
Hmms and I am hoping that I will be able to get the awards I have applied for. Now it seems that most probably I am not going to get them - but well, I kind of need some form of funding for the month of June when I am still hanging around here. Hopkins stopped allowing lab groups to pay students who are hanging around in Summer and obviously A*STAR is not paying and that doesn't mean Wyman Towers and T-mobile are not going to ask me for money...
Initially I actually thought I don't really need extra funding, but now as I start calculating, it seems that I do need that extra funding. Yes I can get by without that extra cash, but really only barely...
This week is just not that great - it just doesn't feel great at all :( Oh well. Hopefully the cherry blossoms tomorrow will be great...
Cannot brush teeth, cannot shower, cannot shave, no water to drink, cannot make proper coffee (the coffee I am drinking now is made using all milk), cannot wash face...
This is worse than outfield - because, at least when we are outfield, we bring cans and cans of water out with us, and there is always a river where we can get water from to purify.
‘Denn wir haben alles, was das Herz begehrt, und wir brauchen uns vor nichts zu fürchten!’ - der Tiger von Oh, wie schön ist Panama
Das stimmt - ob wir nicht zu viel für unsere Leben suchen, und wir sind einfach und glücklich - was gibt uns Ängsten?
('Because we have everything, everything that the heart desires, and we do not have to be afraid of anything!' - the tiger from 'Oh, how beautiful is Panama'
That is right - if we do not seek too much for our lives, and we are simple and happy - what will give us fears?)
I am happy with the kind of life that I am leading now, and all I look for is to maintain it - also, according to projections into the future, I should have no problem maintaining it financially anyway.
So why worry? Just go find whatever I am being called to do and do it!
Wow the last time I actually wrote something here was 8 March :P
Anyway, I must thank all my friends in Madison who gave me a really wonderful time! I did not want to leave...
It is a really warm feeling to know that friends are genuinely happy that I am there, and that they are pouring all their hospitality on me - I can really feel it! :) Thank you so much!
Before Madison I was doing HCF's spring break urban plunge in SW Baltimore. I did the same thing last year - last year it wasn't a stay-over programme, and we were at each site only in passing, but indeed it was a great learning experience and more importantly my first step in being an active Christian - a step that I want to make but had never known how to make.
This year I was helping to plan it and led some of the discussions. It had not failed to be inspiring, and had made me realise the main shortcomings that I have hindering me in putting my words into action. Also - I mean, two years ago, I would not have imagined myself doing these stuff that I am doing today; it is the Spirit at work, it is the grace of God - through the HCF people and Grace, who decided to make the 'serious and intellectual' xiaoyang (this is not I say one okay) the target of her invitations without even knowing what I have been up to on my own.
What I was obsessed about two years ago was basically condensed in a question that Songyu and Gerald asked me on the car yesterday. I have told my story quite a couple of times - I actually didn't realise that Songyu has never heard it before. I cannot publish the whole thing here, but the abridged form is simply - I have realised that what happened and what I hoped for in 2006 - 2007 was not built on the right foundation. We were very different in terms of values and world-view and I didn't realise that - which I finally did, and I am glad that I did. I do not know if she had ever liked me before but it is now inconsequential.
(Actually one more thing that I didn't realise was - how widely spread was the impression at that time. I only realised that recently when Kenneth, wz etc. all came to ask me about it separately and I was forced to ask them - where did they get the impression from...?! I will not deny anything, because it happened - if I cannot even be honest to myself, how can I convince others to trust me?)
Luke 6:46-49 -
"Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete."
Jesus wants us to actively build our foundations on him, not on our own hopes and ambitions. Extend the 'Stardust' metaphor that I used to tell and still hold on to, and you will know what my attitude of life is...
After the 5" snowfall on Monday and Tuesday and temperatures below 20 degF...
This weekend is AWESOME. It is 72 degF now.
And the sun is officially setting after 7pm because EDT has resumed!
I looked at the ten-day forecast - it is not going back to below freezing again. Thus, I started my exercise routine again finally!
I started with the usual round-the-school route, which is only 2.1mi long. I finished it under 20 minutes - it is a good start. The next time I run, I will make the routine round ~3mi long so that it would be approximately 5km. Then I will build from that.
The route will be nice because I will be running to the northern end of Guilford, and coming back by either Charles Street or Greenway (which will bring me past the tulip garden). There are actually a lot of possible routes to use, and I hope that by the time I go back to Singapore I will be able to add the complete Uni Parkway - Roland Park - Cold Spring Lane - Loyola - Greenmount - Faith - 39th Street loop to what I am doing now.
Just hope that I can keep to the routine! I actually have time to run, depending on lab work, everyday except Wed, and I definitely can do Sat, Sun and Tue, if I want to...
Thank you everyone for your encouragement! Haha that was just an example of how messed up experiments can foul up mood, especially when under stress... Things have gotten better - actually the blots all worked excellently well! I have been really happy for the past couple of days and now what I have to do is to get the in vivo and in vitro time point data done, wait for results from the transgenic mice, and I would be able to start writing up.
There are two ways now which the paper can be structured: 1) Reporting expression only 2) Report expression + first couple of studies regarding function.
If we were to go by strategy 1, the paper would be good for places like Journal of Urology; not very good journals but well we get to publish it first. If we were to do it the second way, it will take a little longer but it can go into a better journal, not Developmental Biology standard though - still have to think about that.
Problem is, we know that THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE DOING A SIMILAR THING WE ARE DOING. It is a race now - which would be lame if we lose it.
The BMP4 story is neat - we might include it, but I guess the main thing should still be: what on earth is the PTEN doing there - as it doesn't seem to be playing its regulatory function through pAkt, and that excludes the whole downstream pathway. We will find out.
Haha my whole life is revolving around these stuff now, to an extent that I do not feel like doing homework and studying for exams at all (which explains why I have been putting off studying all the time until the very last minute; honestly, I don't care already, if I get all A-es or B+es for this semester, so be it - will not kill me completely :P). Anyway, I am going to take a week's break from 13 March to 22 March, in which the first 7 days will be spent on HCF's urban plunge (community service project - I will talk about it when it is done, together with the whole idea of urban ministries and Christian community development), and the last three days in Madison WI (and the amazing thing is that Gerald is also going to be there - completely by coincidence). Then Kenneth will be coming over in April (awesomeness - I am hugely thankful for that! He is choosing to fly over the Atlantic to come see us for his week-long Easter break!), I am graduating at the end of May, and going home at the end of June.
I will start the application process for Duke-NUS and the graduate schools pretty soon too - I have gotten my MCAT score, and I probably will take my GRE some time soon as well. All these will start when Spring break is over!
But cannot be too happy yet - must wait for the results of a replicate gel. Though by Thursday's lab meeting I definitely will have a story to tell.
And also teaching myself the Fat/Hpo pathway. It seems rather interesting - judging from the papers that I have read so far. Though I still have no clue how those P elements enhancer traps work. I don't think they are that hard to understand, it is just that I have so far been too lazy to figure it out.
Okay - back to work!
(I slept enough in the afternoon. That is why didn't sleep...)
Well this is the kind of moment that makes me start doubting whether I can actually be a scientist.
I spent 2 weeks altogether growing up cells and treating them with drugs to make the positive and negative controls, collecting the relevant mouse tissues, setting up the new blot system and running the controls twice to make sure that everything works perfectly -
And I thought, oh I will get the answer of that long-standing question TODAY.
Not so much. Not even the controls worked today. Why? I don't know. Maybe I am just not supposed to become a scientist.
I told my PI, I need to go home to rest (yes and I have freaking a lot of other work). So I drove home, tailgated the guy in front, and looked for a policeman when some guy left his car in the middle of the road and blocked my way (usually I will just wait). And slept from like 5 to 7:30.
Then yc came back and I complained to him. He asked me to go out to have dinner together with his friend who came for the weekend - people and food do make me feel less like a loser.
I will go back and see how it goes tomorrow - I re-probed the blot altering some conditions, and hopefully it will work (which it most probably won't). If not, that means another week of delay - and I do not have a lot of time left.
When on earth will I get a conclusion with sufficient support data to start writing my paper?! Maybe I should just go to medical school, get a professional license and take over my family doctor's business. Or, to make it less complicated, just start teaching tuition full-time.
I shouldn't feel good about myself. Whenever I do that, something will go wrong.
Sigh. Developmental biology is like that - it takes a lot of effort and time to get the data I want, especially if I am working on mice. It is a lot slower than cell-line studies, it is slower than flies, and because I need embryos and babies it makes it even more time consuming because I need timed-pregnancies rather than just readily-available adult mice.
I just thought of a way to quantitatively co-relate expressions - the data would be cool and useful, if even necessary - that is, dissociating the mesenchyme and epithelium at different time points, label them with BOTH BMP4 and PTEN abs, and FACS them. But, as soon as I thought about the optimisation - it isn't that good an idea after all, especially when I don't have much time. I will stick to IF for the time being. Actually, for BMP4, I would rather do an in-situ. Never mind...
