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Just witnessed the nicest sunset ever on my way back from work. It is that prefect sunset that consists of a flaming sun gradually merging into the purplish hue that covered the rest of the sky.No photo - I won't bring my camera to work?
Some time ago KH and I had a chat which made me realise something:
The main reason behind me rambling all the time is my innate wish to be at the top of everything which leads to, although I try to deny it, hardcore competitiveness and the tendency to always compare.
I have been expressing my worry that in the future we might have to fight with one another for resources and positions - undeniably this is likely going to happen. I worry because I am afraid of losing the fight, and I complain even more when I realise that the criteria towards winning the fight is not something I am good at.
I hate people who play with office politics, or politics in general - but, when I feel that my survival (or superiority?) is being threatened, I can more or less use some of these tactics ---
See what evil this can eventually lead me to. I might eventually become someone that even I myself hate.
I have to get rid of the competitive mindset - can't I just do my best and try to pursue my interests and let everything else go? Why bother about comparing with what others are achieving?
It is important to know what is happening around me and what is likely to happen in the future. But my course of action and my attitude towards such information is my own choice - I should not be oblivious or simply willfully ignore them, but neither should I be overly conscious - which is what kind of my tendency now.
Shireen once said to me - it is 'your choice to be disappointed'. I can't blame anyone or anything for that.
Two months in Cambridge and in this lab has taught me what is meant by living a life - work hard when needed, enjoy whenever you can; bask in the morning breeze while cycling to work, there is no need to rush to anywhere or squeeze with anyone; over the weekends find a pretty spot to have lunch picnic with friends or just spend an afternoon alone...
Keeping my fingers crossed for now, because there are still 2 years ahead of me - I really hope that eventually I will be able to put down all reservations and decide to come back here for graduate school once I am able to identify a suitable project.
Even on the practical side, it would make complete sense - dad has been advising me to get a professional qualification; the extra 2 years that I gain could be used in this aspect or further develop myself through an extra post-doc position. Yet another important thing would be, I could possibly be in an environment to learn how to live a person's life, a life which is not governed by the achievements of other people, and one which I can willfully choose to enjoy.
I have never had a chance to learn that. These two months gave me precisely that - this is one of the best decisions I have made in my life.
Photos!
Labels: Life
